copy/pasted from the facebook note I wrote

Sperm whales and YOU
By: Defender of Humanity -- DuoJagan


An overview of Spermwhales, and you
Sperm Whales can potentially grow to be 18 meters long and weighing 70 tons.
You will grow up to be less than three meters long and I hope that you end up weighing less than 70 tons.

Simply put, Sperm Whales are big. But they’re not just big. They’re big and deadly. But they’re not just big and deadly. They’re big and badass deadly tyrants of the sea.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Who cares about some big creature living in the sea? We live on LAND!” Well what if I told you that Sperm Whales have been encroaching our precious earth and land and have even spread onto our shores? Don’t believe me? Here’s a picture of a Sperm Whale crawling up our beaches. [link] You will note that the people in the background don’t seem to notice the first Sperm Whale, and that is because they are very stealthy killing machines. While people focus on the far off Sperm Whale, the first Sperm Whale slowly creeps up behind them and positions itself to strike. Then in less than a blink of an eye both whales lunge at the unsuspecting humans who are completely torn apart.

“But our beaches aren’t important! We can stop them before they get further in!” The man in denial says while quivering behind his aluminum foil chair – well I would argue that this is not the case. It may seem at first that Sperm Whales are limited in their movements due to their dependency on salt water but Cconsider for a moment, THIS [link] that’s right. Salt Lake City. Isn’t it weird that a lake would have salt in it? From a geologists perspective, yes. But from my perspective it is a very well planned invasion by the Sperm Whales. But of course you shake your heads and laugh for surely the residents of Salt Lake City would have noticed the Sperm Whales by now. Even if they are masters of disguise, they cannot hide forever. Well I would never claim that the Sperm Whales hid from everyone. No. Instead they depend on their cult of Whale Worshipers to keep their existence safe. Their cult is that of the Church of the Latter Day Saints, or as we call them, the Mormons. (Yes Drew, I’ve known all along your secret worship of Sperm Whales, and no amount of logic or empirical evidence can deny me this knowledge).


But of course, going inward doesn’t necessarily mean that the Sperm Whales want to attack humanity, does it? I laugh at your naivete! Sperm Whales are natural born killers. It’s in their blood. It’s in their culture. Killing is what they do and there are a LOT of humans to kill. You will also note how the Sperm Whales are positioned so that Europe and Northeast America will be attacked by the mature Male Sperm Whales [link] if war was to ever break out.

But of course, you probably cling to your irrational belief that Sperm Whales are not the killing machines I make them out to be. Well consider this! (We are sorry, but the link that should go here has not been acquired as ~DuoJagan is too lazy to ask (friend 1) the name of a certain nature documentary he saw that mentioned the monstrosity known as the Sperm Whale).

Now that I have proven to you that Sperm Whales are dangerous you are most likely running to the knives and automatic rifles you keep under your child’s bed. You have yet to realize how useless our technology is against Sperm Whales. When has a gun ever killed a Sperm Whale? HARPOONS kill Sperm Whales, and the Sperm Whales have waited very long for harpoons to become obsolete before launching their attack. Mankind is defenseless so long as it is satisfied by the illusion of security behind our more advanced, but less useful, high tech and modern weapons.

Now with your harpoon ready and sharpened, you need to know how to fight a Sperm Whale. Their main attack lies behind their powerful mouth. Their second most powerful weapon, is the laser cannons that all space equipped sperm whales have. [link]
Oh. And Sperm Whales can also survive in outer space. I probably should have mentioned this earlier. Pictures/proof will be provides on a later date in the comment section.

Fighting the space whales is impossible at this point. So we’ll focus on harpoon to mouth combat until our surface to air harpoon technology gets better. Keep in mind that even without lasers, Sperm whales can do damage over a distance by flinging Narwhals at you. Your best chance is to fight on a boat at a distance of 5-20 meters, just out of range of the whales bite. The key is to wait until the Whale is turning around and then harpoon it so that you can drag it towards your boat without having to deal with the mouth. Should you be some terrible disaster, come within biting distance of a Sperm Whale – well. You won’t have enough time to remember the instructions I give you. Let’s just say that getting within biting range of one is… not desirable.

But knowing the rough technique won’t cut it. You need to KNOW your enemy, and so I will briefly discuss the Sperm Whale culture, as an individual is a reflection of his society and thus we can assume that knowing the society will help you to know the individual. The sperm Whale culture runs off of a two party political system, with a small number of independents floating between the two. The conservative Sperm Whales believe in killing everything that comes in sight, while the liberal Sperm Whales believe in new, progressive ways of killing. They bring up ideas such as using psychological warfare to kill people and not destroying an entire species so that the survivors can be used to repopulate future generations of prey to kill. Right now the liberal party is in power, as the previous ruler of Sperm Whales was a rather disappointing conservative who was rumored to pass up a chance to eat a boat full of orphans.

All right. So now you have your harpoon, you know your enemy, and you know how to fight him. Now the next step is to find him. For that you need not look into space, the lakes of Utah, or even at the bottom of the ocean. No. To find your enemy you needn’t look further than a mirror. This brings us back to Sperm Whales and You. The relation: You’re 70% Sperm Whale! Think of it! Your body is 70% water, right? And Sperm whales live in the ocean! And the Ocean is made out of water!
So you see, while you may consider yourself better than a Sperm Whale because of your thumbs, or your human decency, or your precious evolved brain, you really aren’t all that different from your enemy. This is why Sperm Whales do so well at blending in.

I find myself occasionally looking around and wondering whether the people around me could be Sperm Whales who simply put on false facial hair, a hat, and human clothing. After years of studying, I have determined several ways to determine whether a person is really a person, or something far more sinister.
To determine whether someone is a Sperm Whale, just pay attention to these details.
1. Is the potential Sperm Whale between 15-18 meters tall?
2. Does the potential Sperm Whale weigh over 50 tons?
3. Does the potential Sperm Whale respond to all questions with whale noises?
4. Does it blow hot air out of the top of its head?
5. If you offer to shake its hand, does it bite your hand off?
6. Is it surrounded by the corpses of other people/potential Sperm Whales?
If the answer to at least three of these questions is yes, then you most likely have a Sperm whale on your hands.

Now I know what you’re wondering. “Why now?”. To be honest, we’re not entirely sure why they waited this long to kill us. As previously mentioned, at least some of it has to do with the harpoon becoming obsolete, but I believe that there is more to it than that. Consider the decline in piracy. Pirates would normally serve as a front line defense against Sperm Whale attacks, even if a flimsy one. Now a days we condemn piracy and instead of looking up to underfed Somalians we demonize them. Why? Because the Sperm Whales have control of the media. You take ONE good look at Bill O’reilly and tell me he doesn’t sound like a Sperm Whale when he’s angry. [link]

Of course, the flying Spaghetti monster has tried to warn us that the decline of piracy is no good, via global warming. Of course, that is just a theory. It is also possible that Sperm Whales cause global warming by dragging chunks of ice from the polar ice caps into the middle of the ocean in order to decrease the ocean’s temperature while firing small bursts of lasers into the earth in order to increase the atmospheric temperature. Of course, this is all just speculation, and not irrefutable fact like the rest of this summary.

As you can see, Sperm Whales are a very real and serious threat, and our only real defense against them at this point is education. And so I encourage you to tell your friends and family about the danger of Sperm Whales. If that doesn’t work, tell your inmates, therapists, and psych ward supervisors about the growing Sperm Whale threat. I have taken the first step by tagging people who need to know about this danger, as well as people who already know a thing or two about this danger, in hopes of spreading the truth before our fate is sealed.